Pedal Guitar Players Unite: Bring Back the Wahka-Wahka

While trawling through the TV guide the other day I came across a show entitled "I Can't Stop Masturbating." At last I thought, a game show the whole family can enjoy. Unfortunately I was disappointed to discover that far from being a game show, it was in fact a serious documentary (just like "Ulrika: Sex Addict" turned out to be very boring documentary and not a call-in show about Swedish nymphomaniacs as I had hoped).

Nevertheless with a title like that how could I not watch?

What I discovered however was not the laugh a minute, bloke wanking in back of cab, documentary I imagined. Instead the film focussed on two men who essentially use masturbation as a coping mechanism and their struggles to overcome (no pun) this affliction. One bloke claims to have once Skinned the Gecko a staggering 25 times in a single day. Call Guinness that has to be some sort of record!

Even in my teenage wanking prime I don't think I even managed to get anywhere near double figures, let alone tonking it 25 times. This bloke says he just keeps hunting the net until something turns him on, and then does the five-knuckle shuffle. This process obviously repeats itself 25 times.

Now I am no stranger to internet porn, what bloke these days isn't? But unlike Mr 25 I get bored pretty soon and have no idea how to use the mouse and wank at the same time. However, what this proves is just how much and how easily porn is obtained online. I feel that this has taken the mystique out of pornography. Our teenage sons will never be forced to stash dirty mags under their beds (or washing baskets) and this is a shame. It is unlikely that our teenage sons will ever have watch any grainy porno made in the seventies and endure the agony of a stretched and overused tape. Just think how much wahka-wahka music they'll be missing out on. Tragic, pedal guitar players have been in the soup kitchen ever since the dawn of the internet.

As if the next generation don't have it all now they'll have porn at the click of a button and it worries me. Why leave home if you know that your mum will never find your porn stash? Why go out if you don't have to purchase a new edition of "Big and Bouncy." I envision a future of 41 year olds still living at home and wanking up to 25 times a day and it worries me.