An Old Mate Dies While Sucking on the Corporate Tit

So England failed to qualify for yet another international football tournament. I’m a little disappointed by this but I think that perhaps that is just the Anglophile in me. However, I’m not surprised. Let’s be honest the English national team is somewhat of a joke outside of England, except perhaps Scotland and Wales who have no room to laugh. Yes, they made the quarterfinals of the last few tournaments that they played in but they hardly set the world alight did they?

So where should one apportion the blame for this ‘disaster?’ No doubt the tabloids have already taken aim at manager Steve McClaren and the fans will be burning effigies of goalkeeper Scott Carson but that is a short sighted approach.

No, the blame lies in the Premiership and the Champions league.

I’m not just talking about the number of foreign players at English clubs either. Nope; I’m talking about how bloody nancy-pancy the game has become. The Champions League is frankly no tougher than an over 40’s Tuesday morning Netball competition and the EPL is sliding the same way. Where have all the Hard-men gone? When was the last time a legitimate on Christian Ronaldo was actually waved play on? Why is the most volatile person at a football match likely to be a fan?

I confess that by degrees I am going off football. Those that know me will argue that it is because Liverpool look highly unlikely to win the EPL anytime soon but in truth I find that watching overpaid, over hyped sissies feign injury a little dull. Furthermore, everything appears so sterile and bland and corporate. Football is slowly suffocating from its own success and it has cost England its national game.

I love playing the game, and even watch (and play) some local amateur stuff when I can but I don’t have the stomach to watch an old friend like Football perish before my eyes.

RIP Football

The Free Pint Award

An Award for Amusing News

Every now and then I read, watch or hear a news story that makes me laugh out loud. For example, that cheerleader who was leading the spirit right up until the moment her team ran over the top of her. Having watched more than my fair share of Teen movies and porn, I daresay that this wasn’t the first time she had the entire team on top of her in an evening but that is a matter for another fantasy.

My point is that I laughed out loud when I saw the footage and for that I’m going to by her a pint. Unfortunately she is underage so she can’t receive it so instead The Free Pint Award for this month goes to this plonker:

Geelong Cats labelled `gay' premiers

The mighty Geelong 2007 premiership winning team has been labelled the `gay' premiers in an embarrassing tattoo error.
Geelong supporter `Neville' wanted a permanent reminder of the team's success so he visited a tattoo parlour in Thailand last week seeking to have the words ``Day Premiers 2007'' emblazoned on his right arm.
`Neville' told 3AW this morning he had 15 cans of beer to ease his nerves before the tattoo was applied.
He said to ensure the Phuket tattooist got it right, he wrote down exactly what he wanted on his right and left arms, under the headlines ''right arm'' and ''left arm''.
''I gave them a piece of paper and wrote down on the right arm, I wanted the new Geelong emblem they've got out now ... and Day Premiers 2007.''
''And on the left arm side I wrote ''left arm'' and the two grandkids names and Night Premiers 2006''
Now he has ''right arm'' written on his right arm, just above ''Gay Premiers 2007'' because the tattooist marked in ''Gay'' instead of ''Day''.
''I couldn't believe it,'' Neville said.
''When I first walked in he showed me the picture of the thing, and I just looked at a picture and didn't really take notice of the words.
''My son-in-law walked in halfway through it ... and told me what happened, and I thought 'you're joking!'' he said.

(Source: http://www.geelongadvertiser.com.au. 13Nov07)

Now I really don’t need to comment to much on this suffice to say that ‘Neville’ (why the pseudonym? What’s he really hiding?) has just become Australia’s newest Gay Icon, replacing Ian Thorpe at the top of charts.

However, for making me cough up my cornflakes, I award ‘Neville’ one free pint lager.

RIP Cricket: Australia's Shame

I used to look forward to Cricket season. It meant that I could dust off my scorebook and special scoring pencil and spend my holidays in front of the telly diligently marking the score during another enthralling Test Series. What’s more I could get shit faced while doing it. However, that was last summer. This summer I’m over Cricket. I’m divorcing myself from the game. She is dead to me.

I did try watching some cricket but I finally released why non-cricket fans found it so painfully boring. The first test between SA and NZ was, lets be honest, of a pretty poor standard (Amala, Kallis, Steyn and Bond excepted) and the AUS Vs Sri Lanka was downright tedious. Nope, Cricket is no longer a part of my summer diet.

There are a number of reasons for this. Firstly, the last of the great personalties has gone. Shane Warne is now text messaging full time and that means that the game is being overrun with the cricketing equivalent of accountants – The Mike Hussy’s, Raul Dravids and Michael Vaughn’s, of this world - Men with all the appeal of a knitting circle. Even those that remain are censured. Flintoff left his personality at the bottom of a Caribbean bay, Smithy’s growing up and evolving into Keppler Wessel’s and Pieterson has finally made the jump from pretentious prick to sullen faced knob.

But that is not the only reason Cricket is dead. No she is dead because she was poisoned. Slowly. By the Australians. Over a period of time. They administered a slow realising toxin that gradually killed her. Bit by bit. It attacked her nervous system and killed her. By degrees.

It began when Tubby Taylor was replaced with Steve Waugh as captain of the Baggy Green’s. Suddenly they started applying Science (yes science) to the gentle art of cricket and have never looked back. Nowadays they win everything, and convincingly, but at what cost?

All that “science” and “progress” has turned the Aussie into the most boring 11 men in the world outside of a Star Trek convention. Their sound bytes sound positively scripted and their play methodical. And if have to watch Brett Lee celebrate a wicket by ‘who-hooing’ like a ten year girl one more time I will move to Alabama or Brasilia or anybloodywhere where they don’t have cricket. Shame on you Australia for being too darn good and too darn boring. For shame.
No, Cricket is dead. This summer will be spent on the front deck, using my special scorebook and pencil to play car cricket (Red Car = 6, Black = Out etc). If you see me, give me a wave. And some booze. Don’t forget the booze.

Health Warnings on Small Talk

Just what is the bloody etiquette for small talk at work and over the fence? How many times a day do I have to talk about the weather or field questions about my state of well-being before I can just answer with a "F**k off!"

Take our neighbour and her new found love for gardening along the fence line. I have nothing against her but I really don't care if it looks like rain or not. Nor do I give monkeys if weeds are a real problem this year. What I want to say is that small talk leaves me weary and is possibly even damaging my health. In fact I'd like to have a Doctor's note excusing me from making any small talk at all. That way I can drink my morning cuppa in peace and not have to hear about your Grandkids, or dog, or your golf score or anybloodything.

In fact, I'd like that note to excuse me from any social interaction except footy games, fishing, pubs and lap dancers. That way I could legitimately avoid Christmas, shopping centres and work in general. Furthermore I wouldn't have to watch the weather report or Dancing With The Stars just to feel included.

By the way, for the most up to date and accurate weather report in your area, see my neighbour.

Public Personas: Would the Real Martina Please Stand Up...

Now I’m the first to admit that I’ve always thought of Martina Hingis as surprisingly hot (not everyone agrees with me) but I was a little taken aback by the thought of her snorting Charlie of a toilet seat in Soho. She always struck me as virginal pure, like Britney before the Redneck genes kicked in, and frankly such an image has me questioning the public persona of all celebrities.

For example, is Roger Federer really the boring, nerdy, somebody please bully me, type that we the people see or is he something else? Could he be a closet S&M freak? Could he be the faceless owner of the penis from Streetfilth.com? Might he sniff petrol to avoid the urine tests.

This is dizzy stuff folks.

Therefore in the interests of the publics right to know I have compiled a list of the private personas of well-known celebs:

Tony and Cherrie Blair: If they’re not swingers then I don’t know swingers. Rumour has it that Tony likes to go ‘dogging’ with good friend Stan Collymore and that Cherrie likes a pearl necklace or two.

Bono: Likes nothing more than extravagant twelve course feasts while reclining on a real fur sofa in a climate-controlled room. Food, which includes some of the worlds most endangered animals, delivered by starving children.

Michael Moore: Votes Republican and is a Klan member.

Graham Norton: Is actually a straight bloke from Yorkshire who likes motorbikes, footy and the missionary position.

Shane Warne: Deeply religious and sensitive. Prefers to masturbate over a mirror than actual company.

The Beckham’s: Regularly host book club meetings and are patrons of Santa Monica Philosophy Society.

Tom Cruise: Alien worshipping control freak who jumps on furniture at the drop of a hat. (no wait, hang on, we know that already)

Jude Law: Collects Royal Dalton China and bottles his own urine.

I could go on, I really could but I have a feeling that I’ve said too much already. If someone actually read this bloody blog I might even be flagged for this.

Laters

Pedal Guitar Players Unite: Bring Back the Wahka-Wahka

While trawling through the TV guide the other day I came across a show entitled "I Can't Stop Masturbating." At last I thought, a game show the whole family can enjoy. Unfortunately I was disappointed to discover that far from being a game show, it was in fact a serious documentary (just like "Ulrika: Sex Addict" turned out to be very boring documentary and not a call-in show about Swedish nymphomaniacs as I had hoped).

Nevertheless with a title like that how could I not watch?

What I discovered however was not the laugh a minute, bloke wanking in back of cab, documentary I imagined. Instead the film focussed on two men who essentially use masturbation as a coping mechanism and their struggles to overcome (no pun) this affliction. One bloke claims to have once Skinned the Gecko a staggering 25 times in a single day. Call Guinness that has to be some sort of record!

Even in my teenage wanking prime I don't think I even managed to get anywhere near double figures, let alone tonking it 25 times. This bloke says he just keeps hunting the net until something turns him on, and then does the five-knuckle shuffle. This process obviously repeats itself 25 times.

Now I am no stranger to internet porn, what bloke these days isn't? But unlike Mr 25 I get bored pretty soon and have no idea how to use the mouse and wank at the same time. However, what this proves is just how much and how easily porn is obtained online. I feel that this has taken the mystique out of pornography. Our teenage sons will never be forced to stash dirty mags under their beds (or washing baskets) and this is a shame. It is unlikely that our teenage sons will ever have watch any grainy porno made in the seventies and endure the agony of a stretched and overused tape. Just think how much wahka-wahka music they'll be missing out on. Tragic, pedal guitar players have been in the soup kitchen ever since the dawn of the internet.

As if the next generation don't have it all now they'll have porn at the click of a button and it worries me. Why leave home if you know that your mum will never find your porn stash? Why go out if you don't have to purchase a new edition of "Big and Bouncy." I envision a future of 41 year olds still living at home and wanking up to 25 times a day and it worries me.

Who is going to drive you home, you raging bloody lunatic

Yesterday I was tailgated by a young girl in a Toyota Rav4. Despite the fact I was actually a little over the speed limit, this slapper felt that I was taking up far too much of her precious time and not only tailgated me but also give me the one finger salute as she passed by. I couldn't help but wonder what important meeting this low level administrator had to rush off to. Did the photocopier need more toner? Might the printer require paper? The boss a sandwich and coke? Perhaps I'll never know but what I do know is that in my city (Brisbane) the worst drivers on the road fall into the female, 18-24, demographic.

Now of course I have no actual stats to back this up, this is a blog (that nobody reads) and not a current affairs program, but having lived here for three years I am in no doubt. Please do not misunderstand me however; I am not saying that they are necessarily bad drivers in terms of ability; they just seem to be the most impatient and the most aggressive.

It has become so bad that whenever I see a Suzuki Swift weaving in and out of lanes, or a Hyundai with Playboy seat covers (yay for feminism!) pull up next to me, I feel a sort evil masculine monster take hold. I want to yell at this idiot in a death trap, and shake her until she considers other road users. I have a strange desire to ask her if she thinks its cool to kill someone while driving, cooler even then pink Playboy seat covers. I yearn to remind her that the only reason she beat me at the lights in her cute little Yaris is because I wasn't racing. I never race, that's for paid professionals, not tired and cranky drivers like me.

Instead I say nothing and wish that I could work from home.

Things that I should care about (but don't)

There are some things in this world that you should really care about, but no matter how hard you try, you just don’t (care).

The War in Iraq for example is little more than a brief distraction for me while on the way to Calvin and Hobbes in the morning. I know I should care, people are getting killed for heavens sake, but frankly I find it all rather boring.

With that in mind I decided to compile my list of things that I should care about but don’t:

Match Fixing in Tennis: So a few tennis players took a dive in five, who cares, it won’t end the war in Iraq.

Princess Dianna Inquest: C’mon already, this must be inquiry number ninety-one. Couldn’t you just let sleeping dogs lie? It was a terrible accident; sadly they happen, even to the rich.

Anything Championed by Bono: I agree with much of what he says but no man in leather pants is going to tell me what bloody light bulb I should use.

Michael Moore’s Films: Who is this fat bloke and why are we watching him? Like Bono, I agree with much of what he says, I just don’t like actually looking at him.

Fundamentalist Christians: I should care that they try and impose their will on everything, but truthfully, I find them rather amusing.

George W Bush: In all the years he has been President of the most powerful nation on earth, my life has not changed one iota.

Tailgaters: I realise that you are in a hurry and that your time is infinitely more important than mine, but I’m still not getting out of you way. Go around.

Elections: I try, I really do, but somehow there is always something else on TV.

Porn Marginalises Women: If the chick is doing it for the cash and doesn’t mind hanging her bits out, then who am I to worry.

Celebrities: I don’t care who Paris Hilton is banging this week because its obviously not me.

International Football Friendlies: Sadly they make fans pay hard earned money for that crap. For shame.

There you have it. I could go on all night but have to get back to work.

We never wanted to win the World Cup anyways, so there" claims New Zealand

New Zealand Whine made from best Sour Grapes

A poor pun I know but I often visit the New Zealand Herald for what is normally excellent and thorough analysis of Rugby. Imagine my surprise when I discovered an article (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/4/story.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=10471494) by one Peter Bills in the aforementioned paper dated 23rd October 2007. For those of you too lazy to read the article I will sum it up as thus:

New Zealand are better off without the RWC because at least the All Blacks don't resort to the boring kicking that won it for the jaapies. The jaapies and poms are boring and are big poopy heads.

Now I may have embellished the truth a little on the poopy head line but I'm am pretty sure that had the All Blacks won the Webb Ellis with a three – nil, Dan Carter drop kick victory over South Africa, they would have been dancing in the streets of Auckland as opposed to setting fire to All Black flags. In fact, it has been so long between drinks for our Kiwi friends that a nil-nil draw and a toss of the coin would have probably caused mass jubilation.

Bills goes on to say that "But this isn't rugby as we know it", which leads me doubt his Rugby writing credentials. Just what exactly is "rugby as we know it?" Is it the pleasing but often unsatisfying brand dished up in the S14? Could it be the expansive but ultimately fruitless variety served up by the Pacific Islanders? Perhaps it is the hard nosed, brutal contests seen in the Premiership and Currie Cup? Possibly, just maybe, it is all of these things and more and Bills needs to stop being so blinkered so as to believe that the rest of world wants, or is even capable of playing like the All Blacks. Evidently, Bills would have the rest of World play like the All Blacks in an attempt to help the All Blacks finally win that unwanted trophy.

Bills then launched an extraordinary attack on Springbok fans and the entire nation of South Africa. When he states that
The South African nation will celebrate and claim all is well in their land now the mighty Bokke rule the world once again. They'll be deluding themselves if they believe that,
He may well be right, it probably will only be a brief distraction from the many problems that that nation endures but unfortunately for Bills it reads like little more than a schoolyard temper tantrum than a journalistic observation. To me it sounds as if Bills is saying that "you may have won the RWC, but at least your standard of living is crap, so there" (and this from someone living in London!?). Why bother Pete? Why waste space condemning supporters for bragging a little. Heck, England fans dined out on RWC2003 for four years and some are still dining out on 1966; let them have their fun for now.

What's more, Bills' vitriol extends into the following statement: "Winning a World Cup in such an ugly manner hardly reflects well upon either the ultimate champions or the game itself." Granted South Africa can be a cruel and ugly place but to tarnish an entire nation with the ugly stick is taking it a bit far don't you think? This also brings me back to my original point about just what Rugby as we know it. Bills obviously hopes that Rugby is played in an open and entertaining manner, so do I and I agree that some change needs to take place in the game, but the beauty of the game is that different nations play the game in different ways. If that happens to be a forward driven, safety first approach then so be it. I for one would much rather see that then see a World Cup full of All Black clones. In fact I'd so far as to say that so would many All Black fans, providing that is they won it at the end.

Drugsand Sport: My horror and Resentment

Ben Cousins, Wendell Sailor, Mark Bosnich, Andrew Johns and Maradonna, all of them elite athletes and all used recreational drugs during their playing years.

Each revelation shocked the sporting world. Fans were aghast that their hero could sink so low so as to take drugs. I, on the other hand was not at all shocked, especially by Maradonna. Indeed, I would have more shocked to discover that he wasn’t a cokehead then to discover that he was. C’mon people the signs were there all along, including an unsavoury affiliation with the mafia. Anyhow, I was not shocked and I’ll tell you why:

Young men earning big coin taking the odd eecky or a bit of Charlie does not surprise me in the slightest. One just has to live in London for three weeks to discover that fact. Actually, young men who don’t earn big coin are also spending their weekends frantically alternating between frenzied bursts of energy and massaging each other’s shoulders. I have no doubt that had I been a professional footballer, earning the kind of money that they do, I would have also probably spent my off-season snorting Columbia’s finest of a hookers tits. Sheesh, I was a poor student and I still managed to be on first name basis with the bouncer at the local strip club, imagine what it would have been like if I had had thirty grand in my pocket. Imagine…

Anyhow, those days are over and I not condoning drugs, they’re bad news, but I am trying to point out that drugs are societies problem. Those those are quick to condemn players as poor role models are likely to have a friend/colleague/family member who uses drugs. Those former players who are quick to say, “it didn’t happen in my day” are probably the same players who engaged in alcoholic benders during their own playing days. Perhaps we need to move beyond focusing on what footy players are doing on a Saturday night after the game and focus on what society is doing on a Saturday night. Solve that problem and you solve the problem of drugs in sport.

Imagine..

Union Vs League: Would the Leagies just shut up already?

I’d like to see the memo that obviously circulated around the office of the Courier Mail, stating that the publication was planning to launch a calculated attack on Rugby Union in an attempt to turn it into Rugby League.

Mike Colemen, Andrew Slack and others (Jim Tucker excepted) have all had their say regarding how boring and stale Rugby has become and that the finalists of the RWC are in essence ruining the game.

I accept that there needs to be some rule changes to allow more space on the field but to describe the RWC, and in particular the final as dour, is to forget the basic principle of Rugby, that it is above all a contest for the ball. It is the number one point of difference between Union and League and is the number one reason why the Wallabies were home so early. England won the contest for the ball and ultimately the game. All the backline talent in the world, including a slow and ponderous Lote Tiquri, will count for nothing if your forwards are being out muscled at the contest and it is these contests that make Rugby the game that it is. The move in Australia to remove the scrum from the game is gaining momentum with mothers and wingers everywhere but the day it turns into the insult to the intelligence that is a Rugby League ‘scrum’ (the forwards might as well play paddy-cakes) is the day that will see the death of Union.

Perhaps Queensland’s penchant for all things Rugby League has clouded the judgement of many. There can be no doubt that the NRL and Origin are fantastic competitions but for many non-league fans the predictable run-from-dummy-half and fifth tackle kick (circa Broncos 2007) are every bit as frustrating as a scrum being repacked or a infringement at the breakdown. Need I point out also that next years Rugby League World Cup is shaping up to be a Kangaroo whitewash. Indeed while the interpretation of rules needs to be tightened, it should be noted that League has many infuriating rules of its own including the ludicrous strip rule and many different bizarre rulings on obstruction. Furthermore, by having two less players on the field and a system of laws designed to favour the ball carrier, as opposed to a contest, there is bound to be more tries in the thirteen-man game.

I for one am getting tired of having to defend Union from one eyed League fans and those that obviously have little or no understanding of the game (see Mike Coleman). I don’t understand the nuances of AFL but that does not mean that I do not appreciate the skill and athleticism involved. To me, a Full-Forward taking a mark is every bit as entertaining as Bakkies Botha hitting a ruck or even a Billy Slater try. If, the Courier Mail staff are so unhappy with Rugby Union then I say don’t watch it. If the majority of Australians find it dull then stop playing it. It would be sad not to have the Wallabies but I’m sure that South Africa, England, New Zealand, France, Argentina etc will carry on enjoying the game regardless. Australia then could go on enjoying thrashing their opponents at League in front of six thousand bored and indifferent fans.

Out of Tune

It is over for another four year, the Rugby World Cup that is. For the next four years the Springboks can call themselves World Champions. And deservedly so I believe, despite what Ben Darwin (crap prop) and Ben Tune might have us believe on Channel 10 (Aus).

The Boks won because they were experienced and had the best balance of all the teams in the quarters. Think about it, the Wallabies had a origami like scrum, the All-Blacks a dodgy lineout, the Poms could complete a backline move against a fresh air fifteen, the Frogs and Argies lacked composure and eventually Fuji's fitness was going to be telling.

South Africa on the hand had a commendable scrum, a capable backline and a peerless lineout. Furthermore, they had composure and experience when it matters the most.

As I said, deserved winners.

However, as an Australian resident I have an idea about why the Wallabies sucked. I'll tell you why they went home early and in tears and the answer is New Zealand.

I have noticed that in Australia there are only two teams who play Rugby: Australia and New Zealand. During the quarter final loss to England I felt that the Wallabies were really just warming up for an expected Semi against NZ. All the talk in the press was the anticipated Trans-Tasman clash. It reeks of conceit, and is a deep rooted problem in Aussie Rugby. It is a psychological thing in Australia; they believe that as long as they can beat NZ then nothing else matters. Just look at the Medias reaction when NZ lost to France. "At least we didn't choke" screamed on headline. Well, unfortunately you did. You choked on your own arrogance and took your opponents far too lightly.

This leads me to Mr Tune and Mr Darwin. Both seem regard today's World Cup finalists as inferior to the Wallabies. Indeed, Tune hinted that the only reason that SA were in the final was a lucky draw. I concede that SA probably had a slightly easier draw but they also had to beat England twice. Something no other team managed once, including the Wallabies.

Anyhow, well done Bokke, you made my cry today. Thank you.

Pool C

This post has been entered into the SARugby.com World Cup Bloggers competition. Please support me by giving the post a rating.

New Zealand

Why will they win it: Because they are, without doubt the best team in the world. Having said that, they were in the last two three World Cups as well. Also, because if the Wallabies win it again, Rugby will be banned in NZ and replaced by mixed Netball as the number one sport.

Why they won’t win it: Pressure! They have a propensity to crack on the big stage, like a seven year old in the spotlight during the big finale. This is epitomised best by Dan Carter, who on his day is untouchable, but when the heat is on, well, is crap really. The NZ public expect but even with all their experience and stars the doubts linger.

Most Likely to: Be the first team to score 500 points in a World Cup match (Vs Portugal).

Realistic Chances: Champions, especially if they don’t face the Wallabies at all.

Little known fact: The AB’s are the only team at the tournament to have a chorographer as part of their official entourage. Expect to see a number of new Haka’s including a tribute to pole dancing and Lord of the Dance.


Scotland

Why will they win it: They have that Braveheart spirit and a hard grafting, willing team that may lack superstars but is dangerous on its day.

Why they won’t win it: Lack of superstars and hands like Scottish goalies.

Most Likely to: Be the only team that does not have an official sports drink as a sponsor. Irn Bru will do very nicely thank you.

Realistic Chances: Third in Group.

Little known fact: Former Manchester United, Aberdeen and Scotland goalkeeper, Jim Leighton, has been working with the team to improve their ball handling. Last week they actually managed to catch a ball. Leighton said at the time that it ranks up there with the time he actually caught a ball, playing for United Vs Norwich.


Italy

Why will they win it: Because they are improving rapidly and if their Footy team can fluke a World Cup then why not a Rugby team as well!?

Why they won’t win it: Because diving and play-acting are generally frowned upon in Rugby. Indeed, anyone rolling around in pretend agony near Jerry Collins is liable to land up in hospitable.

Most Likely to: Have the best facial hair in the tournament and fastest National Anthem.

Realistic Chances: Quarter Finals.

Little known fact: Roberto Biaggo is helping the Azzuri with their kicking. The Italians are expected to get every kick over and lose a few balls along the way.


Romania

Why will they win it: Because communism collapsed and China is increasingly democratic. They also have some fine players in the French league.

Why they won’t win it: Because Cuba is still communist. It just proves that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Most Likely to: Be the team with the hardest looking bastards in the World Cup.

Realistic Chances: Fourth in-group after giving both Scotland and Italy a run for their money in the first half.

Little known fact: Despite a large number of orphans, Angelina Jolie has yet to officially adopt a child from Romania. It is 24th on her list however.


Portugal


Why will they win it: In another dimension, Portugal is the best team in the World. This could be that dimension.

Why they won’t win it: Because in this dimension, the AB’s are the best team in the World and Portugal are here to make up numbers.

Most Likely to: Have the most number of Nando’s ads during half time.

Realistic Chances: Last in Group, by some distance.

Little known fact: Peri-peri is the official currency of Portugal.

RWC: Pool B

This post has been entered into the SARugby.com World Cup Bloggers competition. Please support me by giving the post a rating.

Australia

Why will they win it: Because, well, they're Australia. They think that they can win everything and everything, and they usually do.

Why they won’t win it: Because if Larkham get injured, they might as well get on a Contiki tour bus and see the rest of Europe. Also, one has to think that after years of drinking puppy blood and sacrificing kittens in a bid to keep his place in the team, karma surely has to bite George Gregan on the arse. Finally, you get the feeling that if they meet the All Blacks somewhere along the line, the AB's will hungry for some Wallaby stew after the last World Cup.

Most Likely to: Have a former Rugby League player sent home because he broke curfew and a fellow patrons nose.

Realistic Chances: The semis although my prediction is elimination in the quarters.

Little known fact: Matt Dunning moonlights as an artists muse at Sydney Uni.


Wales

Why will they win it: A fine tradition of Rugby, men's choirs and Charlotte Church.

Why they won’t win it: There are a number of reasons why the Welsh won't win the World Cup but above all they were recently thumped 65-5 by England. Yes, England. Also, Charlotte Church.

Most Likely to: Lose to one of the lesser teams. Fiji loom large for the Welsh, so do Japan quite frankly.

Realistic Chances: Third in group or maybe quarters. A win over Japan will see them singing in the Valleys however.

Little known fact: Wales once fielded a team containing only Jones' in a 24-12 loss to Japan in 1993.


Fiji

Why will they win it: Talent and flair to burn make this team very dangerous.

Why they won’t win it: Because as yet, scrums and lineout's are still a very important part of the game.

Most Likely to: Score a wonder try and have their entire squad poached by New Zealand S14 teams.

Realistic Chances: The quarters, but only if the Auckland Blues have not taken all their best players after the first game.

Little known fact: The Fiji squad contains the most syllables in the tournament.


Canada

Why will they win it: Tough, uncompromising lumberjacks and Monties. These boy's eat maple syrup for breakfast!

Why they won’t win it: Maple syrup is banned under EU trade laws and language difficulties for most of the squad.

Most Likely to: Have the only National Anthem at the World Cup where absolutely everybody know the first line: "Oh Canada...."

Realistic Chances: Forth in Group but will scare Australia on the way.

Little known fact: Prop, Rodd Snow's name was only slightly ironic.


Japan

Why will they win it: Because there is a chance that all the other teams will withdraw suddenly and for no apparent reason.

Why they won’t win it: Because all the enthusiasm in the World is still no substitute for a massive pack of forwards.

Most Likely to: Have the politest squad at the World Cup.

Realistic Chances: Slightly better than Namibia or Portugal but stone last in Pool A.

Little known fact: The 'Cherry Blossoms' used to be nicknamed the 'Killer Attack Ninja Roberts of Death' until political correctness went mad.

Rugby WC: The Comprehensive Guide

This post has been entered into the SARugby.com World Cup Bloggers competition. Please support me by giving the post a rating.

Rugby World Cup beckons, so for the uninitiated, I have cast my eye over each group and have critically analysed each team in an effort to help you, whoever you might be, place bets that will win.

Today we’ll start with Group A.

England

Why will they win it: Big strong pack of forwards and lots of St George painted faces in the crowd.

Why they won’t win it: Because, frankly, since 2003, they’ve gone backwards further than a Wallaby scrum. Furthermore, everybody hates them, especially the French, so expect a bout of food poisoning.

Most Likely to: Whinge and/or contract food poisoning.

Realistic Chances: The semis

Little known fact: The South African’s have Madiba magic, the Pom’s have the Royal Family mystery.


South Africa

Why will they win it: Big strong pack of forwards, and finally some decent backs (Butch James excepted). Madiba magic.

Why they won’t win it: Political intervention might see them field a representative team made up of lesbians, clowns and dwarves. Alternatively the entire team might be suspended by the quarterfinals.

Most Likely to: Hold the record for most number of suspended players and/or lesbian midgets in the team.

Realistic Chances: The Final

Little known fact: Despite the high crime in South Africa, only four members of the squad have actually been prosecuted. Every member has been hi-jacked at least once.


Samoa


Why will they win it: Heaps of natural talent and physiques made for Rugby.

Why they won’t win it: Lack of depth and any discernable talent in the forwards. Also, the players will hate the food.

Most Likely to: Upset a big team such as England or South Africa, or have a player sent home for attending Church.

Realistic Chances: Third in Group

Little known fact: After the World Cup, Samoa will finally become a New Zealand colony.


Tonga

Why will they win it: Flair and talent and a cool war dance.

Why they won’t win it: No points for war dances.

Most Likely to: Appear on the highlights reel dancing and not scoring tries.

Realistic Chances: Fourth in Group

Little known fact: 23 Tongan’s a year die as a result of excessive war dancing.


USA

Why will they win it: Rugby is growing in popularity in the US. What's more, their mindset of refusing to give up and go home, even when quite obviously beaten, makes for dangerous opposition.

Why they won’t win it: Because Rugby is not Grid Iron.

Most Likely to: Receive a certificate of participation.

Realistic Chances: Last in Group

Little known fact: The squad is looking forward to a bonding session in Paris, who incidentally is the team’s biggest fan.

My Pledge: To you, the reader

I’ve tried this blogging lark before and absolutely no person, not a single soul read anything I wrote.This time will be different. This time instead of poking fun at Wendell Sailor, or getting sick in pot plants, I’ll add my insight into the political debates of the day or contribute to the ongoing social discourse. I shall reflect upon what it is to be human, and try to find answers to those questions that have perplexed us for years.

I will also mull over a nice pair of boobies and contemplate why Beer is so great. I see it as my duty to question the integrity of referees and opponents of my favourite teams. Furthermore, I promise you that I shall poke fun of all those that deserve it and those that can’t fight back.

This I swear in the name of Homer, Bart and Casper the Friendly Ghost.