Pool C

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New Zealand

Why will they win it: Because they are, without doubt the best team in the world. Having said that, they were in the last two three World Cups as well. Also, because if the Wallabies win it again, Rugby will be banned in NZ and replaced by mixed Netball as the number one sport.

Why they won’t win it: Pressure! They have a propensity to crack on the big stage, like a seven year old in the spotlight during the big finale. This is epitomised best by Dan Carter, who on his day is untouchable, but when the heat is on, well, is crap really. The NZ public expect but even with all their experience and stars the doubts linger.

Most Likely to: Be the first team to score 500 points in a World Cup match (Vs Portugal).

Realistic Chances: Champions, especially if they don’t face the Wallabies at all.

Little known fact: The AB’s are the only team at the tournament to have a chorographer as part of their official entourage. Expect to see a number of new Haka’s including a tribute to pole dancing and Lord of the Dance.


Scotland

Why will they win it: They have that Braveheart spirit and a hard grafting, willing team that may lack superstars but is dangerous on its day.

Why they won’t win it: Lack of superstars and hands like Scottish goalies.

Most Likely to: Be the only team that does not have an official sports drink as a sponsor. Irn Bru will do very nicely thank you.

Realistic Chances: Third in Group.

Little known fact: Former Manchester United, Aberdeen and Scotland goalkeeper, Jim Leighton, has been working with the team to improve their ball handling. Last week they actually managed to catch a ball. Leighton said at the time that it ranks up there with the time he actually caught a ball, playing for United Vs Norwich.


Italy

Why will they win it: Because they are improving rapidly and if their Footy team can fluke a World Cup then why not a Rugby team as well!?

Why they won’t win it: Because diving and play-acting are generally frowned upon in Rugby. Indeed, anyone rolling around in pretend agony near Jerry Collins is liable to land up in hospitable.

Most Likely to: Have the best facial hair in the tournament and fastest National Anthem.

Realistic Chances: Quarter Finals.

Little known fact: Roberto Biaggo is helping the Azzuri with their kicking. The Italians are expected to get every kick over and lose a few balls along the way.


Romania

Why will they win it: Because communism collapsed and China is increasingly democratic. They also have some fine players in the French league.

Why they won’t win it: Because Cuba is still communist. It just proves that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Most Likely to: Be the team with the hardest looking bastards in the World Cup.

Realistic Chances: Fourth in-group after giving both Scotland and Italy a run for their money in the first half.

Little known fact: Despite a large number of orphans, Angelina Jolie has yet to officially adopt a child from Romania. It is 24th on her list however.


Portugal


Why will they win it: In another dimension, Portugal is the best team in the World. This could be that dimension.

Why they won’t win it: Because in this dimension, the AB’s are the best team in the World and Portugal are here to make up numbers.

Most Likely to: Have the most number of Nando’s ads during half time.

Realistic Chances: Last in Group, by some distance.

Little known fact: Peri-peri is the official currency of Portugal.

RWC: Pool B

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Australia

Why will they win it: Because, well, they're Australia. They think that they can win everything and everything, and they usually do.

Why they won’t win it: Because if Larkham get injured, they might as well get on a Contiki tour bus and see the rest of Europe. Also, one has to think that after years of drinking puppy blood and sacrificing kittens in a bid to keep his place in the team, karma surely has to bite George Gregan on the arse. Finally, you get the feeling that if they meet the All Blacks somewhere along the line, the AB's will hungry for some Wallaby stew after the last World Cup.

Most Likely to: Have a former Rugby League player sent home because he broke curfew and a fellow patrons nose.

Realistic Chances: The semis although my prediction is elimination in the quarters.

Little known fact: Matt Dunning moonlights as an artists muse at Sydney Uni.


Wales

Why will they win it: A fine tradition of Rugby, men's choirs and Charlotte Church.

Why they won’t win it: There are a number of reasons why the Welsh won't win the World Cup but above all they were recently thumped 65-5 by England. Yes, England. Also, Charlotte Church.

Most Likely to: Lose to one of the lesser teams. Fiji loom large for the Welsh, so do Japan quite frankly.

Realistic Chances: Third in group or maybe quarters. A win over Japan will see them singing in the Valleys however.

Little known fact: Wales once fielded a team containing only Jones' in a 24-12 loss to Japan in 1993.


Fiji

Why will they win it: Talent and flair to burn make this team very dangerous.

Why they won’t win it: Because as yet, scrums and lineout's are still a very important part of the game.

Most Likely to: Score a wonder try and have their entire squad poached by New Zealand S14 teams.

Realistic Chances: The quarters, but only if the Auckland Blues have not taken all their best players after the first game.

Little known fact: The Fiji squad contains the most syllables in the tournament.


Canada

Why will they win it: Tough, uncompromising lumberjacks and Monties. These boy's eat maple syrup for breakfast!

Why they won’t win it: Maple syrup is banned under EU trade laws and language difficulties for most of the squad.

Most Likely to: Have the only National Anthem at the World Cup where absolutely everybody know the first line: "Oh Canada...."

Realistic Chances: Forth in Group but will scare Australia on the way.

Little known fact: Prop, Rodd Snow's name was only slightly ironic.


Japan

Why will they win it: Because there is a chance that all the other teams will withdraw suddenly and for no apparent reason.

Why they won’t win it: Because all the enthusiasm in the World is still no substitute for a massive pack of forwards.

Most Likely to: Have the politest squad at the World Cup.

Realistic Chances: Slightly better than Namibia or Portugal but stone last in Pool A.

Little known fact: The 'Cherry Blossoms' used to be nicknamed the 'Killer Attack Ninja Roberts of Death' until political correctness went mad.

Rugby WC: The Comprehensive Guide

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Rugby World Cup beckons, so for the uninitiated, I have cast my eye over each group and have critically analysed each team in an effort to help you, whoever you might be, place bets that will win.

Today we’ll start with Group A.

England

Why will they win it: Big strong pack of forwards and lots of St George painted faces in the crowd.

Why they won’t win it: Because, frankly, since 2003, they’ve gone backwards further than a Wallaby scrum. Furthermore, everybody hates them, especially the French, so expect a bout of food poisoning.

Most Likely to: Whinge and/or contract food poisoning.

Realistic Chances: The semis

Little known fact: The South African’s have Madiba magic, the Pom’s have the Royal Family mystery.


South Africa

Why will they win it: Big strong pack of forwards, and finally some decent backs (Butch James excepted). Madiba magic.

Why they won’t win it: Political intervention might see them field a representative team made up of lesbians, clowns and dwarves. Alternatively the entire team might be suspended by the quarterfinals.

Most Likely to: Hold the record for most number of suspended players and/or lesbian midgets in the team.

Realistic Chances: The Final

Little known fact: Despite the high crime in South Africa, only four members of the squad have actually been prosecuted. Every member has been hi-jacked at least once.


Samoa


Why will they win it: Heaps of natural talent and physiques made for Rugby.

Why they won’t win it: Lack of depth and any discernable talent in the forwards. Also, the players will hate the food.

Most Likely to: Upset a big team such as England or South Africa, or have a player sent home for attending Church.

Realistic Chances: Third in Group

Little known fact: After the World Cup, Samoa will finally become a New Zealand colony.


Tonga

Why will they win it: Flair and talent and a cool war dance.

Why they won’t win it: No points for war dances.

Most Likely to: Appear on the highlights reel dancing and not scoring tries.

Realistic Chances: Fourth in Group

Little known fact: 23 Tongan’s a year die as a result of excessive war dancing.


USA

Why will they win it: Rugby is growing in popularity in the US. What's more, their mindset of refusing to give up and go home, even when quite obviously beaten, makes for dangerous opposition.

Why they won’t win it: Because Rugby is not Grid Iron.

Most Likely to: Receive a certificate of participation.

Realistic Chances: Last in Group

Little known fact: The squad is looking forward to a bonding session in Paris, who incidentally is the team’s biggest fan.

My Pledge: To you, the reader

I’ve tried this blogging lark before and absolutely no person, not a single soul read anything I wrote.This time will be different. This time instead of poking fun at Wendell Sailor, or getting sick in pot plants, I’ll add my insight into the political debates of the day or contribute to the ongoing social discourse. I shall reflect upon what it is to be human, and try to find answers to those questions that have perplexed us for years.

I will also mull over a nice pair of boobies and contemplate why Beer is so great. I see it as my duty to question the integrity of referees and opponents of my favourite teams. Furthermore, I promise you that I shall poke fun of all those that deserve it and those that can’t fight back.

This I swear in the name of Homer, Bart and Casper the Friendly Ghost.