Now I’m the first to admit that I’ve always thought of Martina Hingis as surprisingly hot (not everyone agrees with me) but I was a little taken aback by the thought of her snorting Charlie of a toilet seat in Soho. She always struck me as virginal pure, like Britney before the Redneck genes kicked in, and frankly such an image has me questioning the public persona of all celebrities.
For example, is Roger Federer really the boring, nerdy, somebody please bully me, type that we the people see or is he something else? Could he be a closet S&M freak? Could he be the faceless owner of the penis from Streetfilth.com? Might he sniff petrol to avoid the urine tests.
This is dizzy stuff folks.
Therefore in the interests of the publics right to know I have compiled a list of the private personas of well-known celebs:
Tony and Cherrie Blair: If they’re not swingers then I don’t know swingers. Rumour has it that Tony likes to go ‘dogging’ with good friend Stan Collymore and that Cherrie likes a pearl necklace or two.
Bono: Likes nothing more than extravagant twelve course feasts while reclining on a real fur sofa in a climate-controlled room. Food, which includes some of the worlds most endangered animals, delivered by starving children.
Michael Moore: Votes Republican and is a Klan member.
Graham Norton: Is actually a straight bloke from Yorkshire who likes motorbikes, footy and the missionary position.
Shane Warne: Deeply religious and sensitive. Prefers to masturbate over a mirror than actual company.
The Beckham’s: Regularly host book club meetings and are patrons of Santa Monica Philosophy Society.
Tom Cruise: Alien worshipping control freak who jumps on furniture at the drop of a hat. (no wait, hang on, we know that already)
Jude Law: Collects Royal Dalton China and bottles his own urine.
I could go on, I really could but I have a feeling that I’ve said too much already. If someone actually read this bloody blog I might even be flagged for this.
Laters
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