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Rugby World Cup beckons, so for the uninitiated, I have cast my eye over each group and have critically analysed each team in an effort to help you, whoever you might be, place bets that will win.
Today we’ll start with Group A.
England
Why will they win it: Big strong pack of forwards and lots of St George painted faces in the crowd.
Why they won’t win it: Because, frankly, since 2003, they’ve gone backwards further than a Wallaby scrum. Furthermore, everybody hates them, especially the French, so expect a bout of food poisoning.
Most Likely to: Whinge and/or contract food poisoning.
Realistic Chances: The semis
Little known fact: The South African’s have Madiba magic, the Pom’s have the Royal Family mystery.
South Africa
Why will they win it: Big strong pack of forwards, and finally some decent backs (Butch James excepted). Madiba magic.
Why they won’t win it: Political intervention might see them field a representative team made up of lesbians, clowns and dwarves. Alternatively the entire team might be suspended by the quarterfinals.
Most Likely to: Hold the record for most number of suspended players and/or lesbian midgets in the team.
Realistic Chances: The Final
Little known fact: Despite the high crime in South Africa, only four members of the squad have actually been prosecuted. Every member has been hi-jacked at least once.
Samoa
Why will they win it: Heaps of natural talent and physiques made for Rugby.
Why they won’t win it: Lack of depth and any discernable talent in the forwards. Also, the players will hate the food.
Most Likely to: Upset a big team such as England or South Africa, or have a player sent home for attending Church.
Realistic Chances: Third in Group
Little known fact: After the World Cup, Samoa will finally become a New Zealand colony.
Tonga
Why will they win it: Flair and talent and a cool war dance.
Why they won’t win it: No points for war dances.
Most Likely to: Appear on the highlights reel dancing and not scoring tries.
Realistic Chances: Fourth in Group
Little known fact: 23 Tongan’s a year die as a result of excessive war dancing.
USA
Why will they win it: Rugby is growing in popularity in the US. What's more, their mindset of refusing to give up and go home, even when quite obviously beaten, makes for dangerous opposition.
Why they won’t win it: Because Rugby is not Grid Iron.
Most Likely to: Receive a certificate of participation.
Realistic Chances: Last in Group
Little known fact: The squad is looking forward to a bonding session in Paris, who incidentally is the team’s biggest fan.
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